I Don't Know....

Today is one of those days...my mind is busy....my thoughts are in the que....and all my feelings have all separated into entities of their own. Nothing make sense right now but Im able to function (somewhat). On days like these, my normal process is to pray, call B, and then tune everyone out. So, Ive prayed....prayed my selfish prayer (thats when I pray only for me) and turned to music for my trip away from here. B isn't here anymore. I can't pick up the phone and gripe about life....I can't hear him say "Babe, it's not that serious.".... All I can do is get past today by whatever means necessary.

Everyone has a person. That person knows about them and accepts them for who or what they are....that person makes them laugh...that person can sit and say nothing...and in the end they are still there. I guess what Im saying is, love ur person. Tell them you love them. Life is so short.

Grudges vs. Self Worth

You would think that grudges and self worth are two separate entities. That one wouldn't have anything to do with the other....but today, I had a conversation that sorta leads me to believe that in some minds, self worth is defined by the result of certain grudges. Me personally, I can't hold a grudge. I don't forget...but I don't hold a grudge. I've always accepted the concept "Forgive but never forget"...meaning, yeah we can get past this, but I will never forget the way the situation affected my life. But back to the conversation....there was a person and a situation that occurred over 3 years ago....In case you haven't figured it out, the situation didn't end well.

Over THREE years ago! Yet today I was told that as a result of the situation, this person is no longer capable of loving....that they think relationships are based on false expectations and that they feel as if they should be someone they are not. Maybe Im naive...but how can one person alter another person's life to that degree? How can you allow one person to determine ur self worth? Wow.....

Okay...I've gotten that out...

Now....here's my post for today....Internal Death- ironic huh

Internally dying,
Externally crying,
Reaching out for the one I love,
But he’s not there.

In times like these,
Where my emotions have divorced my heart,
And I’m unable to decipher whether I have feelings or not,
Are the days I miss him most.

I’ve retreated into a cocoon,
Protecting my thoughts from probing readers,
Resting the wheels of my mind,
And I’m able to sleep,
In peace.

I’m no longer complete,
My heart mourns the death of its right side,
I long to feel the strength of his hands,
The warmth of his touch,
To rekindle the fire that was present for so many years.

His love was replaced with a prosthetic,
There for the sole purpose of use,
His service acceptable but not superior,
Our union clean as a whistle on the outside,
Just don’t check the interior……

I’ve learned to say the right things,
Go to the right places,
Take him mentally and physically where he wants to be,
Yet, I haven't given him the vital key….
To me...

It's funny how we overthink things. We try to ration why everything happens because someone came up with the saying that "everything happens for a reason". And while everything does happen for a reason, do we really need to know what that reason is? Why can't we accept the outcome and move on? In times like these when the result could have been fairly simple...we've complicated it 6 times what it could've been.

For a person like me that is always thinking...you can just imagine how my life is. And if you can't...think ROLLERCOASTER! lol I'm constantly fixing things that doesn't need fixing...and the things that need to be fixed...well I've thought about it so much until I can't figure out why it needed to be fixed in the first place. In the end, I become an emotional bag of nerves....break down and cry...dump the damaged nerves...and well wait for the next bag to fill.

The funny thing is...I know the process and I don't do anything to fix it. Maybe it's in fear of fixing the wrong things...maybe I've grown accustomed to the process....or maybe I've accepted that everything happens for a reason.

I said all this to say, you are in control of your life. Everything starts and ends with you. Sure, other people are involved in your life...but essentially you make the final decision. Stop blaming other people for your life's status. The sooner you figure that out, the sooner your life begins to make sense.

A Pauper's Defeat

He lived and I died…
The pompous, blood sucking son of a bitch.
He embedded himself beneath my skin,
Feeding whenever he was hungry,
Resting when he was tired,
While I slowly lost the power over my life.
The strong will I possessed for so long replaced with a weak link,
Transforming me,
Into a person I would never think…
Could exist.
My eyes no longer held happiness,
My heart no longer knew desire,
And I,
No longer knew me.
Decisions became this disillusioned playground,
Consisting of confused thoughts in large portions.
My mind,
Refusing to be a part of the battle,
Focused on healing its previous wounds…
Leaving me to fight alone,
Lonely,
And exposed.
So as expected,
I die..
A pauper’s death…
No one to share my feelings of defeat with…

Compilation Poem

Soooo...this poem was the result of two friends (Tasha and Ro) allowing their minds to bond...it's amazing how well it came out. Here is: My Life

My life,

Is a complicated combination of yarn,
The decisions I made now twisted with regrets and approvals…
Distraught,
I’m unable to decipher the code to my heart…
Frantically pleading with my brain not to fail me now…
I need to hit reset…please show me how….
Just one
More
Time.
I am transparent to the world around me,
Functioning on promising fulfillments and broken commitments…
Simply existing.
My body no longer responds to my commands,
In fear of rejection,
Or just more demands.
She too has become weary.
But...
I...
GO...
On...
each day a different problem
each night a different tear
am i going? am i coming?
is this love or is this fear?
i once knew who I was and what i wanted
knew the difference between the truth and a lie
i once knew the meaning of MY LIFE
but now all i seem to do is cry
and all the while no one knows
how i feel remains unspoken
to ashamed to tell anyone
that my heart and my spirit are broken
i just live and go on
no longer conquering world
i'm just a shadow of the real me
the world has conquered this girl
who was once a loving woman
and the perfect wife...
now i wonder where she has gone
and what has happened to..
MY LIFE

BET- This will blow you away

This email was forwarded to me today. Surprisingly, I was able to see what a fellow tweeter was pointing out just last week. Thought I'd share.

Scott Mills
Chief Executive Officer
Black Entertainment TelevisionOne
BET Plaza1235 W. Street NE
Washington, DC, 20018

Mr. Mills:

As an African American teenager growing up in the South, BET’s arrival on air in 1980 was a transformative moment for my family. For the first time in our lives, we had a cable station that provided my parents with a television venue, “for us and by us”, that could reinforce the values of education, racial pride, and community service that were key touchstones for my development into a successful woman. While I was more anxious to make sure that I was in place for Donnie Simpson and Video Soul, my parents made sure that I watched “Conversations with Ed Gordon”, “Our Voices”, and “Teen Summit” each week to ensure that we gained valuable insight to the socio-political issues and leaders shaping the African American community. BET was a welcomed part of our home.Five years ago, I realized it was time to leave ‘home’. I believed that the programming that emerged during this period only served to reinforce the stereotype that all African Americans want is to be ‘entertained’. Therefore, discouraged by the emphasis on ‘booty shake’ music videos; salacious reality television shows; and original programming that continued to play to the lowest common denominator, I determined I could no longer continue to support any media outlet, let alone one purportedly “for usby us”, that demeaned my race and my gender. It saddened me to realize I didn’t leave my home—but that BET had locked me out.However, upon the death of Michael Jackson and hearing of a BET Award Show tribute, I believed that it was time to ‘return home’. Michael, whose relationship with his own ‘community’ could be described as ambivalent at best, would once again be front and center in our consciousness and celebrated as one of us. This was a celebration that my heart and soul needed.More importantly, as the first public event since his death, this was a celebration the nation needed. Therefore, despite my concerns of the past, I believed that in the end, Michael and our community would be well served by the unique perspective BET could provide into the life and legend of this African American icon. Sadly, I was wrong.The BET Awards show was an unfortunate conglomeration of buffoonery; a glorification of the negative stereotypes of African Americans; and too often lackluster talent. While such performances may be appropriate for a segment of the African American demographic; it does not represent the best and brightest that African American athletics, politics, entertainment, and culture had to offer in 2008-2009. My concerns are not with the winners; for in the end, I will trust the integrity of the selection process (though it must be noted, unlike other award shows, no explanation of the rules or accounting was presented). However, the production value; the=20selection of featured videos; performers; and the quality of the hosting were below the dignity of our proud people and certainly, Mr. Jackson.I am sure that one argument for your current programming mix is based on the demographic of your viewers. Based on the programming, I am led to assume that your target audience is no longer the college-educated, middle class, African American who is equally as interested in politics as they are in music and entertainment. Moreover, I am sure that you are aware that shows like “Frankie and Neffe” or “Tiny and Toya”, while appealing to a very vocal segment of the African American demographic, will not appeal to the African Americans who make over $50,000 annually, who while only representing 35% of the total African American population, represent 60% of our projected $1.1 Trillion buying power (Report Buyer, 2008). Mr. Mills, even a student in my first year Management Communication course could tell you that BET’s demographic and program strategy is not poised for growth nor does it tap in to your most profitable audience base. Moreover, in times of political and economic uncertainty, it would be interesting to know just how BET’s programming better positions its current audience for success.This year, Dance Theatre of Harlem celebrated its 40th Anniversary; The Cosby Show is 25 years old; and the work of African American performing arts has never been more vibrant. From Broadway to the ballet, African Americans are offering a20wonderful array of cultural expressions, none of which have been profiled by BET. When Good Morning America can celebrate the milestone of Dance Theatre of Harlem and BET doesn’t, it is clear that there is a gap between BET’s espoused mission and the way it is lived out. Perhaps, if you gave the African American scholar, performing artists, politicians, and community servants equal time with the assortment of marginally talented ‘rappers’ and singers and mixologists, we might see a resurgence of the African American presence and embrace of literature, dance, politics, and the humanities. The day when Zora Neale Hurston, Arthur Mitchell, James Baldwin and others are celebrated on BET other than in February, that will be the day when BET will return to its mission.I often tell my students that a mission statement’s success or failure largely depends on how it is enacted by the organization. Choices regarding the use of resources, the products produced, and its external and internal communication are the fruit by which the true character of an organization is revealed. Mr. Mills, BET is a failure; to our people and to our future.

Maleta Wilson
"The measure of a man is not in his mistakes, but in how he handles his mistakes"

Surviving Hell

This poem really doesn't need an introduction. All I can say is, Love can be heartless and cruel...and before you step out in the water, be sure you know how to swim.

I get in my car and blast the sounds of MeShelle.....
She was,
She is,
My COMFORT for the day.
My seat goes back,
My mind wanders,
And my thoughts flow with the beat of her bass.
The ride is smooth and I don't notice the stops and goes...
Just enjoying the scene on my way…
Time is no option to me....for me… my life starts over today
In hell...

It's ironic,
Almost cynical that my car feels my mood,
Slowing when the tears come,
Accelerating as I fight them away.
My mind is having a hard time processing how something so perfect turned so deadly…
How someone who loves you delivers the final blow that breaks your heart.
Is closure even necessary?
Should you allow your mind to entertain the details of something you know exists?

I try to shake the feelings,
My feelings…anger, betrayal, despair.
I’m fighting hard but I know, they will always be there.
It will,
Continue to cling to me,
Reminding me of what used to be…
Its stinger piercing me over and over.

I have lost my battle with love.
And,
As a result, it will no longer abide in my heart.
Love was an illusion that I encountered so often,
That I begin to think that maybe,
Just maybe it was real.
Love,
Sent me here…
To hell.

Holly.stings17Jun09-finis

Love From a Distance..

I was going to give a short talk on this poem....but for some reason I couldn't find the words. So, here's my posting today:

It’s easy to say you love someone…..
To say that you care,
Give false promises,
Say that you’ll always be there,
No matter what.
It’s easy because it seems…
Right,
At the time,
It feels,
Good,
Inside
And
Out.
Because you’re together,
Sharing the same bond,
Same thoughts,
Same feelings,
Same love.
But, where is the love,
When you give your all,
And it’s still not enough.
You can’t be there,
But you can call.
You can’t touch them,
But your thoughts are with them.
You want to give more,
But other things,
Or people,
Or situations,
Is a part of your life.
The only thing you want,
Is,
For once,
To have them all to yourself.
With no interruptions,
No distractions,
Just the two of you,
Interacting,
And showing how much you love each other.
But,
Time waits for no one,
No matter how much love you have inside,
No matter how strong that love is.
Because,
If you can’t truly show,
That love…
It’s worthless,
It’s pointless,
It’s ridiculous,
To even have.
Love from a distance,
HURTS,
So
Much.
Yet,
There is always one,
One person who believes love,
Can work….
Despite all odds.
And,
In the end,
They hurt……
Because,It’s so easy to say you love someone

Sheebah is my name

"I'd rather be loved for someone I am, than someone I'm not." - Unknown

Marriages and relationships are hard work. They require the rest of that energy you save for a rainy day. It's funny because most people say you should marry your friend. The friend that knows everything about you...the friend that understands the things you do...but why? Once that title changes from friend to boyfriend to husband...situations change. (in most cases) You are no longer to talk about the guy you think is hot, how u helped ur friend see someone else, and spill all your deep dark secrets.

Am I saying that you shouldnt be friends with the person you're in a relationship with? No. What I'm saying is you operate on a different level of friendship. It's a given that every every couple has their "divorce" days...wishing, just for that day, that person didn't exist.... But then you kiss, make up and life goes on.

Now that I've said that...here's today's post.

My soul dwells in a never ending abyss.
I motivated and desired to make sure that my life does not cease to exist.
Throughout my life I was surrounded by trials,
Some I allowed to stay around,
While others I threw into the fire.
The inferno,
My own personal hell.
Harboring bitter memories I remember so well.
Sometimes it’s like a dream,
I just can’t wake up from,
I cry,
I write,
I pre occupy myself,
But I still can’t overcome.
There are moments when I sit outside,
Bonding with the breeze.
Letting my mind wonder over my life,
Wanting to believe.
That one day, I’ll meet someone I can pour my heart out to.
Someone who will hold me,
Wipe my tears,
Relate to what I’m going through….
With every beat of my heart,
With every bat of my lash,
I release myself into
A slow,
Rhythmic
Dance,
Of my soul
Consoling my ego,
That is tired
Yet
Not wanting to give up
But the journey is so long
and difficult
Until,
I
Replace each memory
As a scientist would replace its control
With something different.
I
Want
To
Be
Free
To be able to grow old
With wisdom
And knowledge
Not just ordinary smarts
But a wisdom that mothers have
As they protect their young
Wisdom
That fathers have
Giving advice to their sons….
Wisdom
That comes from prayer
And knowledge
From the God above
Wisdom that exists
When you add time, consideration and love….
But until that day comes,
I faithfully remain,
A bonded lady untamed…
Shining my light everywhere I go….
And Sheebah is my name.

You Don't Like Me- (Proceed with Caution)

Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars...our ways of thinking are sooooo different. (sometimes) The outside looking in.....kinda goes like this:

It's hard persuading someone to like you,
But damn easy for them to screw you...
Laying your head to the bed,
Shoving their pole in your hole,
Pounding endlessly,
While calling your name.
But,
You don't like me.
I enter your world, the moment I walk through your door....
You smile....
Embracing me like secret lovers would on their departure,
Watching my every move,
As I undress......
But,
You don't like me.
Before I can hit the bed,
Your hands are roaming all over my body....
Like a blind man reading Braille,
Paying extra attention to the,
Wet spot....
But,
You don't like me.
You spread my legs,
Wider than the wings of an eagle,
Slowly licking my sexy....
Trying,
To find the center of the tootsie roll pop...
But,
You don't you like me.
Before you enter me,
You ask am I okay,
Because,
You don’t want to hurt me but please me,
Make it worth my while.....
But,
You don't like me.
While you're sliding slowly inside of me,
I begin to moan,
You
Hesitate,
Looking in my eyes with concern,
I say I'm fine keeping going,
Ooooh girl,
You moan,
While continuing down the hot dripping cave.
But,
You don't like me.
The trees outside your window are swaying,
The birds are chirping,
And we,
Are making music of our own,
Our raspy voices chanting,
Our wet bodies slapping,
Grinding,
Sliding,
To the beat of the song......
But,
You don't like me.
We lay naked on the bed,
Eyes closed,
Sun shining over our entwined bodies,
Me,
Rubbing your head,
You,
Rubbing my arm,
Enjoying,
Silence.
But,
You don't like me.
As we stand in front of my car,
Saying our goodbyes....
You lean in and,
You kiss me.
Smiling, I think to myself...
Damn,
And he says he doesn't like me.

Shouldn't Be...But It Is

I found out there are lots of "happily" married people having affairs. Some are in it just for the sex...others start out that way and end up falling in love.

My life doesn’t exist without you.
From sunrise to sunset, your love holds me captive in a world of its own.
You are my morning sunrise,
Your lips are like its rays….
The butterflies your touch produces, arouses me in all the right ways.
Your scent intoxicates me,
Taking control of my mind,
Detoxing is pointless, because I come back every time.
See…
Our love shouldn’t be.
There’s you, there’s him and of course there’s me…
And her…
And emotions…
We,
Allowed our love to persist,
To grow,
To become,
This.
Our love breaks all the rules.
It’s no longer a game,
And no matter what happens we’ll never be the same…
Our
Love
Shouldn’t
Be…
As easy as a correction with a pencil,
Because love,
True love,
Is never that simple….
But it is,
With us.
Our love shouldn’t be…
Living in tainted vows,
Invading promises we made to them, for a long time now.
We are in the middle,
Of an unfamiliar road,
Scared to turn back,
Not knowing what can unfold…
Our love shouldn’t be…
But it is.

Your Love

Happy Monday....Thank you for coming into my world. This poem is short...random...I didn't worry about form or rhyme...it was basically me releasing feelings...emptying thoughts from my brain that was already overloaded.

If I thought that loving you would come so easy,

I would have begun to love u long ago...

Ur the man that comes to me in my dreams,

Allowing me to be, Never judging me.

Ur the man that makes me feel complete,

Oblivious of my flaws when Im naked, both physically and mentally....

Love with u, for u, was natural, I didnt need sweetners or artificial flavors,

Because ur love gave me a natural high,

A high so addictive, I shudder at the thought of not having u around.....

Ur love warms me as the sun nourishes the Earth...

Without ur love,

I would cease to exist,

My heart would lose its beat,

Ur love...

Bittersweet.

Allow me to introduce myself

Welcome to my first blog! My name is Ro (The_Thinker225) on Twitter. I'm a married...and a mother of two beautiful girls--I'm not just saying they are beautiful because they're my kids--they really are beautiful. I am a native of Louisiana.

So...... this is my first posting. A fellow follower and I decided to share our poetry with the world. I've been writing poetry since I was 8 years old. About 2 years ago, I started sharing some of my work...and while it was fun to do it, I decided to stick with the "writing" and not "presenting". To me, poetry should be about you...not impressing others. Everyone views things differently, and poetry is that outlet.

I also like to read (ALOT) and I really enjoy quotations. Some of my favorite authors are Eric Jeromy Dickey, Anais Nin, BeBe Moore Campbell, Mary Morrison, Janet Evanoich and Allison Hobbs. The list could go on but I think you get the idea.

Okay...so you know about me....and now, here's my first posting. If you'd like to comment, that's fine. If not, thanks for reading and come back and visit my page anytime.

Life’s Closures

If closure was simple as reading the last pages of a book,
My mind would not be filled with incomplete pages of my life.
Each chapter would lead on to the next,
Flowing smoothly,
Allowing the reader to relate to every situation,
Giving them incentive to laugh,
To cry,
Or to become angry,
All the while wanting more.
But life isn’t that simple.
If closure was regarded as a memory,
My mind would be able to separate the good from the bad.
Shutting out the situations I wasn’t able to get over,
Yet, reminding me of the things I could.
Situations that,
For one reason or another made me stronger.
But life isn’t that simple.
Closure is more like the rays of the sun,
Draining every form of energy in your body,
And I’ll be,
Damn,
If you can bounce back right away.
Dehydration claiming its issue,
Enjoying each moment that you,
Struggle to regain your strength back.
Relentless,
And,
Heartless….
Closure,
Has no preference.
Preying on the weak in mind,
But bold in appearance;
Swiftly attaching itself to the heart,
Enjoying each vibration it gives,
Regarding it not as the vital organ it is,
But as a joyful ride---
Like a carousel.
I challenge closure….
A lot.
And each time,
I’m defeated.
But I get up,
Push my ego to the side,
And confront it again.
Like a mathematician with a new problem,
I search for a solution.
Only thing is,
It’s not always the right solution…..
Because closure,
Along with life,
Isn’t that simple.