Grudges vs. Self Worth

You would think that grudges and self worth are two separate entities. That one wouldn't have anything to do with the other....but today, I had a conversation that sorta leads me to believe that in some minds, self worth is defined by the result of certain grudges. Me personally, I can't hold a grudge. I don't forget...but I don't hold a grudge. I've always accepted the concept "Forgive but never forget"...meaning, yeah we can get past this, but I will never forget the way the situation affected my life. But back to the conversation....there was a person and a situation that occurred over 3 years ago....In case you haven't figured it out, the situation didn't end well.

Over THREE years ago! Yet today I was told that as a result of the situation, this person is no longer capable of loving....that they think relationships are based on false expectations and that they feel as if they should be someone they are not. Maybe Im naive...but how can one person alter another person's life to that degree? How can you allow one person to determine ur self worth? Wow.....

Okay...I've gotten that out...

Now....here's my post for today....Internal Death- ironic huh

Internally dying,
Externally crying,
Reaching out for the one I love,
But he’s not there.

In times like these,
Where my emotions have divorced my heart,
And I’m unable to decipher whether I have feelings or not,
Are the days I miss him most.

I’ve retreated into a cocoon,
Protecting my thoughts from probing readers,
Resting the wheels of my mind,
And I’m able to sleep,
In peace.

I’m no longer complete,
My heart mourns the death of its right side,
I long to feel the strength of his hands,
The warmth of his touch,
To rekindle the fire that was present for so many years.

His love was replaced with a prosthetic,
There for the sole purpose of use,
His service acceptable but not superior,
Our union clean as a whistle on the outside,
Just don’t check the interior……

I’ve learned to say the right things,
Go to the right places,
Take him mentally and physically where he wants to be,
Yet, I haven't given him the vital key….
To me...

A Pauper's Defeat

He lived and I died…
The pompous, blood sucking son of a bitch.
He embedded himself beneath my skin,
Feeding whenever he was hungry,
Resting when he was tired,
While I slowly lost the power over my life.
The strong will I possessed for so long replaced with a weak link,
Transforming me,
Into a person I would never think…
Could exist.
My eyes no longer held happiness,
My heart no longer knew desire,
And I,
No longer knew me.
Decisions became this disillusioned playground,
Consisting of confused thoughts in large portions.
My mind,
Refusing to be a part of the battle,
Focused on healing its previous wounds…
Leaving me to fight alone,
Lonely,
And exposed.
So as expected,
I die..
A pauper’s death…
No one to share my feelings of defeat with…

Compilation Poem

Soooo...this poem was the result of two friends (Tasha and Ro) allowing their minds to bond...it's amazing how well it came out. Here is: My Life

My life,

Is a complicated combination of yarn,
The decisions I made now twisted with regrets and approvals…
Distraught,
I’m unable to decipher the code to my heart…
Frantically pleading with my brain not to fail me now…
I need to hit reset…please show me how….
Just one
More
Time.
I am transparent to the world around me,
Functioning on promising fulfillments and broken commitments…
Simply existing.
My body no longer responds to my commands,
In fear of rejection,
Or just more demands.
She too has become weary.
But...
I...
GO...
On...
each day a different problem
each night a different tear
am i going? am i coming?
is this love or is this fear?
i once knew who I was and what i wanted
knew the difference between the truth and a lie
i once knew the meaning of MY LIFE
but now all i seem to do is cry
and all the while no one knows
how i feel remains unspoken
to ashamed to tell anyone
that my heart and my spirit are broken
i just live and go on
no longer conquering world
i'm just a shadow of the real me
the world has conquered this girl
who was once a loving woman
and the perfect wife...
now i wonder where she has gone
and what has happened to..
MY LIFE

Surviving Hell

This poem really doesn't need an introduction. All I can say is, Love can be heartless and cruel...and before you step out in the water, be sure you know how to swim.

I get in my car and blast the sounds of MeShelle.....
She was,
She is,
My COMFORT for the day.
My seat goes back,
My mind wanders,
And my thoughts flow with the beat of her bass.
The ride is smooth and I don't notice the stops and goes...
Just enjoying the scene on my way…
Time is no option to me....for me… my life starts over today
In hell...

It's ironic,
Almost cynical that my car feels my mood,
Slowing when the tears come,
Accelerating as I fight them away.
My mind is having a hard time processing how something so perfect turned so deadly…
How someone who loves you delivers the final blow that breaks your heart.
Is closure even necessary?
Should you allow your mind to entertain the details of something you know exists?

I try to shake the feelings,
My feelings…anger, betrayal, despair.
I’m fighting hard but I know, they will always be there.
It will,
Continue to cling to me,
Reminding me of what used to be…
Its stinger piercing me over and over.

I have lost my battle with love.
And,
As a result, it will no longer abide in my heart.
Love was an illusion that I encountered so often,
That I begin to think that maybe,
Just maybe it was real.
Love,
Sent me here…
To hell.

Holly.stings17Jun09-finis

Love From a Distance..

I was going to give a short talk on this poem....but for some reason I couldn't find the words. So, here's my posting today:

It’s easy to say you love someone…..
To say that you care,
Give false promises,
Say that you’ll always be there,
No matter what.
It’s easy because it seems…
Right,
At the time,
It feels,
Good,
Inside
And
Out.
Because you’re together,
Sharing the same bond,
Same thoughts,
Same feelings,
Same love.
But, where is the love,
When you give your all,
And it’s still not enough.
You can’t be there,
But you can call.
You can’t touch them,
But your thoughts are with them.
You want to give more,
But other things,
Or people,
Or situations,
Is a part of your life.
The only thing you want,
Is,
For once,
To have them all to yourself.
With no interruptions,
No distractions,
Just the two of you,
Interacting,
And showing how much you love each other.
But,
Time waits for no one,
No matter how much love you have inside,
No matter how strong that love is.
Because,
If you can’t truly show,
That love…
It’s worthless,
It’s pointless,
It’s ridiculous,
To even have.
Love from a distance,
HURTS,
So
Much.
Yet,
There is always one,
One person who believes love,
Can work….
Despite all odds.
And,
In the end,
They hurt……
Because,It’s so easy to say you love someone