I Don't Know....

Today is one of those days...my mind is busy....my thoughts are in the que....and all my feelings have all separated into entities of their own. Nothing make sense right now but Im able to function (somewhat). On days like these, my normal process is to pray, call B, and then tune everyone out. So, Ive prayed....prayed my selfish prayer (thats when I pray only for me) and turned to music for my trip away from here. B isn't here anymore. I can't pick up the phone and gripe about life....I can't hear him say "Babe, it's not that serious.".... All I can do is get past today by whatever means necessary.

Everyone has a person. That person knows about them and accepts them for who or what they are....that person makes them laugh...that person can sit and say nothing...and in the end they are still there. I guess what Im saying is, love ur person. Tell them you love them. Life is so short.

Grudges vs. Self Worth

You would think that grudges and self worth are two separate entities. That one wouldn't have anything to do with the other....but today, I had a conversation that sorta leads me to believe that in some minds, self worth is defined by the result of certain grudges. Me personally, I can't hold a grudge. I don't forget...but I don't hold a grudge. I've always accepted the concept "Forgive but never forget"...meaning, yeah we can get past this, but I will never forget the way the situation affected my life. But back to the conversation....there was a person and a situation that occurred over 3 years ago....In case you haven't figured it out, the situation didn't end well.

Over THREE years ago! Yet today I was told that as a result of the situation, this person is no longer capable of loving....that they think relationships are based on false expectations and that they feel as if they should be someone they are not. Maybe Im naive...but how can one person alter another person's life to that degree? How can you allow one person to determine ur self worth? Wow.....

Okay...I've gotten that out...

Now....here's my post for today....Internal Death- ironic huh

Internally dying,
Externally crying,
Reaching out for the one I love,
But he’s not there.

In times like these,
Where my emotions have divorced my heart,
And I’m unable to decipher whether I have feelings or not,
Are the days I miss him most.

I’ve retreated into a cocoon,
Protecting my thoughts from probing readers,
Resting the wheels of my mind,
And I’m able to sleep,
In peace.

I’m no longer complete,
My heart mourns the death of its right side,
I long to feel the strength of his hands,
The warmth of his touch,
To rekindle the fire that was present for so many years.

His love was replaced with a prosthetic,
There for the sole purpose of use,
His service acceptable but not superior,
Our union clean as a whistle on the outside,
Just don’t check the interior……

I’ve learned to say the right things,
Go to the right places,
Take him mentally and physically where he wants to be,
Yet, I haven't given him the vital key….
To me...

It's funny how we overthink things. We try to ration why everything happens because someone came up with the saying that "everything happens for a reason". And while everything does happen for a reason, do we really need to know what that reason is? Why can't we accept the outcome and move on? In times like these when the result could have been fairly simple...we've complicated it 6 times what it could've been.

For a person like me that is always thinking...you can just imagine how my life is. And if you can't...think ROLLERCOASTER! lol I'm constantly fixing things that doesn't need fixing...and the things that need to be fixed...well I've thought about it so much until I can't figure out why it needed to be fixed in the first place. In the end, I become an emotional bag of nerves....break down and cry...dump the damaged nerves...and well wait for the next bag to fill.

The funny thing is...I know the process and I don't do anything to fix it. Maybe it's in fear of fixing the wrong things...maybe I've grown accustomed to the process....or maybe I've accepted that everything happens for a reason.

I said all this to say, you are in control of your life. Everything starts and ends with you. Sure, other people are involved in your life...but essentially you make the final decision. Stop blaming other people for your life's status. The sooner you figure that out, the sooner your life begins to make sense.

A Pauper's Defeat

He lived and I died…
The pompous, blood sucking son of a bitch.
He embedded himself beneath my skin,
Feeding whenever he was hungry,
Resting when he was tired,
While I slowly lost the power over my life.
The strong will I possessed for so long replaced with a weak link,
Transforming me,
Into a person I would never think…
Could exist.
My eyes no longer held happiness,
My heart no longer knew desire,
And I,
No longer knew me.
Decisions became this disillusioned playground,
Consisting of confused thoughts in large portions.
My mind,
Refusing to be a part of the battle,
Focused on healing its previous wounds…
Leaving me to fight alone,
Lonely,
And exposed.
So as expected,
I die..
A pauper’s death…
No one to share my feelings of defeat with…

Sheebah is my name

"I'd rather be loved for someone I am, than someone I'm not." - Unknown

Marriages and relationships are hard work. They require the rest of that energy you save for a rainy day. It's funny because most people say you should marry your friend. The friend that knows everything about you...the friend that understands the things you do...but why? Once that title changes from friend to boyfriend to husband...situations change. (in most cases) You are no longer to talk about the guy you think is hot, how u helped ur friend see someone else, and spill all your deep dark secrets.

Am I saying that you shouldnt be friends with the person you're in a relationship with? No. What I'm saying is you operate on a different level of friendship. It's a given that every every couple has their "divorce" days...wishing, just for that day, that person didn't exist.... But then you kiss, make up and life goes on.

Now that I've said that...here's today's post.

My soul dwells in a never ending abyss.
I motivated and desired to make sure that my life does not cease to exist.
Throughout my life I was surrounded by trials,
Some I allowed to stay around,
While others I threw into the fire.
The inferno,
My own personal hell.
Harboring bitter memories I remember so well.
Sometimes it’s like a dream,
I just can’t wake up from,
I cry,
I write,
I pre occupy myself,
But I still can’t overcome.
There are moments when I sit outside,
Bonding with the breeze.
Letting my mind wonder over my life,
Wanting to believe.
That one day, I’ll meet someone I can pour my heart out to.
Someone who will hold me,
Wipe my tears,
Relate to what I’m going through….
With every beat of my heart,
With every bat of my lash,
I release myself into
A slow,
Rhythmic
Dance,
Of my soul
Consoling my ego,
That is tired
Yet
Not wanting to give up
But the journey is so long
and difficult
Until,
I
Replace each memory
As a scientist would replace its control
With something different.
I
Want
To
Be
Free
To be able to grow old
With wisdom
And knowledge
Not just ordinary smarts
But a wisdom that mothers have
As they protect their young
Wisdom
That fathers have
Giving advice to their sons….
Wisdom
That comes from prayer
And knowledge
From the God above
Wisdom that exists
When you add time, consideration and love….
But until that day comes,
I faithfully remain,
A bonded lady untamed…
Shining my light everywhere I go….
And Sheebah is my name.

You Don't Like Me- (Proceed with Caution)

Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars...our ways of thinking are sooooo different. (sometimes) The outside looking in.....kinda goes like this:

It's hard persuading someone to like you,
But damn easy for them to screw you...
Laying your head to the bed,
Shoving their pole in your hole,
Pounding endlessly,
While calling your name.
But,
You don't like me.
I enter your world, the moment I walk through your door....
You smile....
Embracing me like secret lovers would on their departure,
Watching my every move,
As I undress......
But,
You don't like me.
Before I can hit the bed,
Your hands are roaming all over my body....
Like a blind man reading Braille,
Paying extra attention to the,
Wet spot....
But,
You don't like me.
You spread my legs,
Wider than the wings of an eagle,
Slowly licking my sexy....
Trying,
To find the center of the tootsie roll pop...
But,
You don't you like me.
Before you enter me,
You ask am I okay,
Because,
You don’t want to hurt me but please me,
Make it worth my while.....
But,
You don't like me.
While you're sliding slowly inside of me,
I begin to moan,
You
Hesitate,
Looking in my eyes with concern,
I say I'm fine keeping going,
Ooooh girl,
You moan,
While continuing down the hot dripping cave.
But,
You don't like me.
The trees outside your window are swaying,
The birds are chirping,
And we,
Are making music of our own,
Our raspy voices chanting,
Our wet bodies slapping,
Grinding,
Sliding,
To the beat of the song......
But,
You don't like me.
We lay naked on the bed,
Eyes closed,
Sun shining over our entwined bodies,
Me,
Rubbing your head,
You,
Rubbing my arm,
Enjoying,
Silence.
But,
You don't like me.
As we stand in front of my car,
Saying our goodbyes....
You lean in and,
You kiss me.
Smiling, I think to myself...
Damn,
And he says he doesn't like me.