Sunday, March 18, 2012

Update

So here I am...3 years later. A new place, a new attitude, a new job. The road has been rough...but Ive made it. Im sitting here reading my old posts thinking...wow...I couldn't imagine ever being mentally. But I was. My mind was weak...my thoughts were hidden...I accepted things as they are with no thoughts of moving forward.

Then...something happened. I could no longer accept things as they were. I WANTED out. I NEEDED out. And I did. I left. I was scared, my esteem was tarnished, and I no longer wanted to "just be".

Anyway....Im back. I'll share my journey if u stay tuned.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

I Don't Know....

Today is one of those days...my mind is busy....my thoughts are in the que....and all my feelings have all separated into entities of their own. Nothing make sense right now but Im able to function (somewhat). On days like these, my normal process is to pray, call B, and then tune everyone out. So, Ive prayed....prayed my selfish prayer (thats when I pray only for me) and turned to music for my trip away from here. B isn't here anymore. I can't pick up the phone and gripe about life....I can't hear him say "Babe, it's not that serious.".... All I can do is get past today by whatever means necessary.

Everyone has a person. That person knows about them and accepts them for who or what they are....that person makes them laugh...that person can sit and say nothing...and in the end they are still there. I guess what Im saying is, love ur person. Tell them you love them. Life is so short.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Grudges vs. Self Worth

You would think that grudges and self worth are two separate entities. That one wouldn't have anything to do with the other....but today, I had a conversation that sorta leads me to believe that in some minds, self worth is defined by the result of certain grudges. Me personally, I can't hold a grudge. I don't forget...but I don't hold a grudge. I've always accepted the concept "Forgive but never forget"...meaning, yeah we can get past this, but I will never forget the way the situation affected my life. But back to the conversation....there was a person and a situation that occurred over 3 years ago....In case you haven't figured it out, the situation didn't end well.

Over THREE years ago! Yet today I was told that as a result of the situation, this person is no longer capable of loving....that they think relationships are based on false expectations and that they feel as if they should be someone they are not. Maybe Im naive...but how can one person alter another person's life to that degree? How can you allow one person to determine ur self worth? Wow.....

Okay...I've gotten that out...

Now....here's my post for today....Internal Death- ironic huh

Internally dying,
Externally crying,
Reaching out for the one I love,
But he’s not there.

In times like these,
Where my emotions have divorced my heart,
And I’m unable to decipher whether I have feelings or not,
Are the days I miss him most.

I’ve retreated into a cocoon,
Protecting my thoughts from probing readers,
Resting the wheels of my mind,
And I’m able to sleep,
In peace.

I’m no longer complete,
My heart mourns the death of its right side,
I long to feel the strength of his hands,
The warmth of his touch,
To rekindle the fire that was present for so many years.

His love was replaced with a prosthetic,
There for the sole purpose of use,
His service acceptable but not superior,
Our union clean as a whistle on the outside,
Just don’t check the interior……

I’ve learned to say the right things,
Go to the right places,
Take him mentally and physically where he wants to be,
Yet, I haven't given him the vital key….
To me...

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

It's funny how we overthink things. We try to ration why everything happens because someone came up with the saying that "everything happens for a reason". And while everything does happen for a reason, do we really need to know what that reason is? Why can't we accept the outcome and move on? In times like these when the result could have been fairly simple...we've complicated it 6 times what it could've been.

For a person like me that is always thinking...you can just imagine how my life is. And if you can't...think ROLLERCOASTER! lol I'm constantly fixing things that doesn't need fixing...and the things that need to be fixed...well I've thought about it so much until I can't figure out why it needed to be fixed in the first place. In the end, I become an emotional bag of nerves....break down and cry...dump the damaged nerves...and well wait for the next bag to fill.

The funny thing is...I know the process and I don't do anything to fix it. Maybe it's in fear of fixing the wrong things...maybe I've grown accustomed to the process....or maybe I've accepted that everything happens for a reason.

I said all this to say, you are in control of your life. Everything starts and ends with you. Sure, other people are involved in your life...but essentially you make the final decision. Stop blaming other people for your life's status. The sooner you figure that out, the sooner your life begins to make sense.

Monday, July 20, 2009

A Pauper's Defeat

He lived and I died…
The pompous, blood sucking son of a bitch.
He embedded himself beneath my skin,
Feeding whenever he was hungry,
Resting when he was tired,
While I slowly lost the power over my life.
The strong will I possessed for so long replaced with a weak link,
Transforming me,
Into a person I would never think…
Could exist.
My eyes no longer held happiness,
My heart no longer knew desire,
And I,
No longer knew me.
Decisions became this disillusioned playground,
Consisting of confused thoughts in large portions.
My mind,
Refusing to be a part of the battle,
Focused on healing its previous wounds…
Leaving me to fight alone,
Lonely,
And exposed.
So as expected,
I die..
A pauper’s death…
No one to share my feelings of defeat with…

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Compilation Poem

Soooo...this poem was the result of two friends (Tasha and Ro) allowing their minds to bond...it's amazing how well it came out. Here is: My Life

My life,

Is a complicated combination of yarn,
The decisions I made now twisted with regrets and approvals…
Distraught,
I’m unable to decipher the code to my heart…
Frantically pleading with my brain not to fail me now…
I need to hit reset…please show me how….
Just one
More
Time.
I am transparent to the world around me,
Functioning on promising fulfillments and broken commitments…
Simply existing.
My body no longer responds to my commands,
In fear of rejection,
Or just more demands.
She too has become weary.
But...
I...
GO...
On...
each day a different problem
each night a different tear
am i going? am i coming?
is this love or is this fear?
i once knew who I was and what i wanted
knew the difference between the truth and a lie
i once knew the meaning of MY LIFE
but now all i seem to do is cry
and all the while no one knows
how i feel remains unspoken
to ashamed to tell anyone
that my heart and my spirit are broken
i just live and go on
no longer conquering world
i'm just a shadow of the real me
the world has conquered this girl
who was once a loving woman
and the perfect wife...
now i wonder where she has gone
and what has happened to..
MY LIFE

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

BET- This will blow you away

This email was forwarded to me today. Surprisingly, I was able to see what a fellow tweeter was pointing out just last week. Thought I'd share.

Scott Mills
Chief Executive Officer
Black Entertainment TelevisionOne
BET Plaza1235 W. Street NE
Washington, DC, 20018

Mr. Mills:

As an African American teenager growing up in the South, BET’s arrival on air in 1980 was a transformative moment for my family. For the first time in our lives, we had a cable station that provided my parents with a television venue, “for us and by us”, that could reinforce the values of education, racial pride, and community service that were key touchstones for my development into a successful woman. While I was more anxious to make sure that I was in place for Donnie Simpson and Video Soul, my parents made sure that I watched “Conversations with Ed Gordon”, “Our Voices”, and “Teen Summit” each week to ensure that we gained valuable insight to the socio-political issues and leaders shaping the African American community. BET was a welcomed part of our home.Five years ago, I realized it was time to leave ‘home’. I believed that the programming that emerged during this period only served to reinforce the stereotype that all African Americans want is to be ‘entertained’. Therefore, discouraged by the emphasis on ‘booty shake’ music videos; salacious reality television shows; and original programming that continued to play to the lowest common denominator, I determined I could no longer continue to support any media outlet, let alone one purportedly “for usby us”, that demeaned my race and my gender. It saddened me to realize I didn’t leave my home—but that BET had locked me out.However, upon the death of Michael Jackson and hearing of a BET Award Show tribute, I believed that it was time to ‘return home’. Michael, whose relationship with his own ‘community’ could be described as ambivalent at best, would once again be front and center in our consciousness and celebrated as one of us. This was a celebration that my heart and soul needed.More importantly, as the first public event since his death, this was a celebration the nation needed. Therefore, despite my concerns of the past, I believed that in the end, Michael and our community would be well served by the unique perspective BET could provide into the life and legend of this African American icon. Sadly, I was wrong.The BET Awards show was an unfortunate conglomeration of buffoonery; a glorification of the negative stereotypes of African Americans; and too often lackluster talent. While such performances may be appropriate for a segment of the African American demographic; it does not represent the best and brightest that African American athletics, politics, entertainment, and culture had to offer in 2008-2009. My concerns are not with the winners; for in the end, I will trust the integrity of the selection process (though it must be noted, unlike other award shows, no explanation of the rules or accounting was presented). However, the production value; the=20selection of featured videos; performers; and the quality of the hosting were below the dignity of our proud people and certainly, Mr. Jackson.I am sure that one argument for your current programming mix is based on the demographic of your viewers. Based on the programming, I am led to assume that your target audience is no longer the college-educated, middle class, African American who is equally as interested in politics as they are in music and entertainment. Moreover, I am sure that you are aware that shows like “Frankie and Neffe” or “Tiny and Toya”, while appealing to a very vocal segment of the African American demographic, will not appeal to the African Americans who make over $50,000 annually, who while only representing 35% of the total African American population, represent 60% of our projected $1.1 Trillion buying power (Report Buyer, 2008). Mr. Mills, even a student in my first year Management Communication course could tell you that BET’s demographic and program strategy is not poised for growth nor does it tap in to your most profitable audience base. Moreover, in times of political and economic uncertainty, it would be interesting to know just how BET’s programming better positions its current audience for success.This year, Dance Theatre of Harlem celebrated its 40th Anniversary; The Cosby Show is 25 years old; and the work of African American performing arts has never been more vibrant. From Broadway to the ballet, African Americans are offering a20wonderful array of cultural expressions, none of which have been profiled by BET. When Good Morning America can celebrate the milestone of Dance Theatre of Harlem and BET doesn’t, it is clear that there is a gap between BET’s espoused mission and the way it is lived out. Perhaps, if you gave the African American scholar, performing artists, politicians, and community servants equal time with the assortment of marginally talented ‘rappers’ and singers and mixologists, we might see a resurgence of the African American presence and embrace of literature, dance, politics, and the humanities. The day when Zora Neale Hurston, Arthur Mitchell, James Baldwin and others are celebrated on BET other than in February, that will be the day when BET will return to its mission.I often tell my students that a mission statement’s success or failure largely depends on how it is enacted by the organization. Choices regarding the use of resources, the products produced, and its external and internal communication are the fruit by which the true character of an organization is revealed. Mr. Mills, BET is a failure; to our people and to our future.

Maleta Wilson
"The measure of a man is not in his mistakes, but in how he handles his mistakes"